MY DEFINITION OF POLYAMORY

I have come a long way in learning how to love myself & respect my sexuality.

Those swingers I mentioned before that imitate porn flicks are not respecting their sexuality & I have nothing against well developed classy adult films.

What they do is a show to try & please their man.

They don't do it for themselves.

Hell, they even touch other females at swinger's dances & they aren't even bi.

I see it as unnatural for someone to touch someone they aren't even attracted to & yes you can say that escorts do the same thing, but that is their profession.

I will always try to please my partner, but not at the expense of my self respect or to show off.

Based on the 4-5 house parties I've been to, I can say there was absolutely no foreplay, not even any kissing.  Women were giving oral sex within five minutes & sexual intercourse was immediate.  I felt that people were more like robots following a script than humans enjoying each other.  It was very cold & harsh for me because I'm a very sensual, warm & passionate lover.

This goes way beyond my comprehension.  When I make love, I believe in a minimum of 2-3 hours in the bedroom.  If I were to ever act like a robot, that would be the time to end the relationship.

Based on what I saw from the females at the swinger's club, these females don't know how to make love either & that's both to their male mates or to women.

Any male or female who thinks having sex takes 20 minutes of grabbing & grouping, is not someone I will ever have a relationship with even if I were into one night stands.

So, other than animalistic desires that sometimes stirred me by just watching these people go at it, I just can't relate.  This demonstrates to me that swingers have no clue what they were doing in bed.  

If anyone tries to convince me I need to have cheap, cold, emotionless sex just to feel wild & passionate, I know the conversation can't continue because they have no clue what I mean about being a good lover.

I'm not saying that all polys are great lovers.

What I'm saying is that if you make love to your partner with feeling, chances are you are going to be more satisfied with yourself & your partner.

Another thing I noticed at swinger house parties is that when the lights are out & no one knows who is who & who is doing what to whom, what's to stop a person I find unattractive from coming over to me?  Of course if everyone present is either a friend, lover or partner of mine, this is a non-issue.  

I've heard that some swinging groups have been together for years & are probably at that polysexual stage, but I still don't agree with what they are all about, a bunch of people getting together just to screw. 

The realms of my sexuality & love cannot be compared to screwing.  The thrill of sex only lasts for that brief moment in time.  The ecstasy of love & making love can transcend time & space.  It is life itself moving us closer & more deeply into the spiritual realm.

I have heard & other people have also told me that a typical male wannabe swinger is almost always trying to convince his female partner to swing or participate in a threesome with a bi woman.

I can't recall how many times men have asked me to seduce or convince their female partners to be with me sexually as if these women have no say in the matter & whatever they decide is a mute point because he'll just keep laying on the pressure.

I wonder how men would feel if I insisted they seduce or be in a 3some with another male.  Their homophobia & general closed-mindedness alone makes me sick.

Openly discussing how you feel about certain subjects & what you are seeking is great, but to insist on whatever you wish to take precedence over what your partner wishes is wrong, especially when it's just all about sex.

Controlling, coercing & harassing other is WRONG !

Now saying all of that, many people ask me what to do if their spouse/partner is not poly.

The first thing I ask is, did you discuss this with him/her?

Most people assume they already know what their partner's response is going to be when they have never brought up the subject before.

Even if they did bring it up many years earlier, how do you know your partner's feelings haven't changed on the matter?

My second advise is to figure out if you are truly poly.

You can't change who you are just to please your partner.

If your partner can't handle you being poly (doesn't mean they have to be although I can't picture a relationship where only one person is poly), than you may have to consider letting go of that relationship.

Polyamory is a very heavy duty life change.

It's not like changing a new hair colour.

Many times I've heard that poly people have gone back to being mono because of a new partner they come across.

They end up being unhappy & in the end go right back to being poly again.

Remember, you are who you are.

Bottom line is that in the poly lifestyle no one can convince anyone to have a loving relationship with someone else.

Either the person is all for it, or it won't fly because it takes time to build on something so special.

It doesn't take 20 minutes to come to completion.

Yes it is usually the man who approaches his wife/partner to look into poly, but most times it doesn't take much for her to see the benefits of being poly...

Love, building a family, more caregivers for her children, more hands for household chores, more resources for the finances & the long term benefits of having other partners around you when one passes over.

Let's talk about homophobia...

It's very prevalent in the swinging community & even in the poly lifestyle although I see that things are getting a bit better.

If you are a bi male who wishes to come out about your true nature, I commend you.

There are more & more bi males coming out now & that's great to see.

Now if only we teach both bi males & females that this is about love, & not about sex.

Check out my Bi People who Love group.

What does it mean to love & truly accept yourself?

There is nothing wrong or dishonest in loving oneself first.

Loving oneself is pure and the first step to understanding oneself.

Society & religion have almost always taught us that we must always think of the other person first, love them first, give to them first, worry about them first & when all is said and done, we find our own selves left out in the cold.  Only you are responsible for yourself, as I am for myself.

ON THE NET

How do we approach people online when we are looking for poly people?

As I already discussed, most people who are so called "open minded" are just seeking sex whether they are single or a couple.

It's not easy weeding out the swingers/swingles & polysexuals from the true polys.

Here are some of my suggestions...

Quote

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

— Frank Outlaw

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Thank you so much for letting me know.

Last updated 19-Mar-07