Some extra things I have to say to couples 

Okay, this is a message just for couples.

I have now been a single polyamorous person & part of a couple in a polyamorous relationship, so I have seen both sides of the coin, although I still have a lot to learn & explore. I understand that as a couple one may fear that any 3rd coming in won't love both you & your partner. The problem I see with this is that you could be waiting a long time to find that one female or male that is going to find you both compatible & attractive. The odds aren't very good & I've heard this from tons of couples who have been looking for years. Just like no one is perfect, neither is forcing a single person to find you both attractive on all levels.

It's hard enough finding one person we find attractive, then to find 2 & demanding that the one person accept both of you as intimate partners, is very unrealistic in my opinion. It also sounds very controlling if you think about it & this is how I feel when it comes to couples. In fact I find most polyamorous couples really aren't poly at all. Polyamory is about freedom, & allowing humans to love freely.

With all the restrictions polyamorous couples seem to put on singles, it's clear to me they are either scared shitless, or just don't really understand what polyamory is all about.

When I say this, they often lash out in a very immature way saying WE WANT FIDELITY.

I'll state right here & now, being polyamorous doesn't mean SLEEPING AROUND.

If you think forcing people to ONLY be with you is being committed, I feel sorry for you two.

I've had couples I haven't even talked to on the phone demand that I never ever want another man. LOL, I find this amusing & very immature. It definitely doesn't say "polyamorous" to me. It speaks monogomous while being slightly open to one other person.

I would love nothing more then to find that both of you have the characteristics I want in a mate, but what if I don't? What if I like one of you & have stronger feelings for the other? Does that mean you won't allow a natural relationship to develop between me & that person I have feeling for? Does that mean you will pull your other partner away because you fear the outcome?

How is that being truly polyamorous?

I feel that if people start off from a place of fear, then it's an unhealthy relationship to begin & it will definitely end negatively.

I don't feel demanding a single person love both of you is being truly polyamorous because being poly isn't about control, it's about giving up control. Control is a sign of fear & while we all have fears (jelousy), the beauty of polyamory is learning how to work through our fears.

Another beauty of polyamory is opening your heart up, giving up the mainstream ideals that you own someone just because you are in a relationship with them & learning how to communicate openly & take chances.

I had a rule in my last relationship, where if he was going to start talking to someone, I had to get to know her at the same time he was getting to know her. Even if she & I were never to be more then friends, that was the deal. That I can understand being a healthy rule, but I can't go around telling others who they can & can't love. I just don't feel it's right or spiritually loving.

One thing that did concern me while being in that relationship, was the type of person he would resonate with. Unfortunately he & I weren't compatible, & he didn't care who he dated (he was a serial monogamist BIG TIME). He just cared that she was breathing & nice. So because he had no idea who he was as a person or what he wanted in a mate, I didn't trust that he would find like minded women I could even be friends with.

Now that is a reason to fear, but I shouldn't have had any relationship with him in the first place, let alone a poly relationship, so I can't use that as an excuse to control who he wants to date/see. Also, it became clear afterwards, that he wasn't looking for polyamory, he was looking to replace me.

So if these are your concerns, you two aren't ready to bring in another person into your relationship. These fears need to be more ironed out before you start involving another human being.

I'm opening up & saying this because I feel it has to be said.

My experience with polyamorous couples has been that they have so many issues surrounding control.

They don't even evaluate if the person is a committed person, they just right away demand that I NEVER EVER for as long as I live look at another man or woman.

It's clear a lot of couples aren't ready to be polyamorous even though they think they are, & that's fine, no one says you have to rush into something, but please consider where your relationship is at before you contact me:

  • Are you using another person (me or whomever) to try & fix your relationship?

  • Do you both look for the same type of person? Have you discussed that with one another? What if he likes quiet women & you like more talkative women? Then what do you do? Split her in half? LOL

  • What happens if you (the female) resonate more with me then the male does with me? Does that mean the relationship just ends? That sounds really controlling & unhealthy to me.

  • Why do you fear having a relationship with another couple (assuming you do)?

    Is it because the male is afraid of other men? Is he homophobic even if the other male is totally straight?
    Does he think all bi males will just come on to him? Is he afraid the other man will take over his domain?
    Does he not trust men?
    If you are the woman, are you just placating his wishes in order not to rock the boat?
    Why should it matter about the gender?
    Polyamory is about love & the person, not what gender they are.

  • Can you two think of yourselves as individuals? Because you are. You aren't just a couple, I see you as 2 individual human beings who I wish to get to know together & separately.

  • How often do you two communicate with one another?

  • What rules have you set forth regarding your search for other polyamorous people?

  • If you are open to loving more then one person, why do a lot of the females within the couple stop themselves from loving men as well? You say you don't need another man, but love is about love, it's not about gender. Sure I'd love to have balance & have one man & one woman in my life, but I'm not going to stop myself from loving another man should he pop into my life. That makes no logical sense to me & doesn't sound very polyamorous to me at all.

So I ask you to please question your motives before you e-mail me so we can talk about what bothers me when it comes to polyamorous couples. I find if a couple can't talk about these things & they run away, it's because they fear something that is triggering them. There is still a huge debate about whether it's better for a single person to find another single rather then find a couple. This is what many singles are doing because of all the problems they encounter when trying to start a relationship with a polyamorous couple.

I want to hear your points of view so I can learn & understand more.

I feel all couples need to understand more of how the singles feel, because we are not getting anywhere or moving forward when we ignore the differences in how we think & feel. I always recommend this book to singles & couples alike, as it helps people determine if they are ready for a polyamorous relationship. If you feel we can become good friends first & foremost with no expectation of becoming intimate partners, than please e-mail me & we will see where this takes us. If you are using a freebie e-mail service such as Hotmail or Yahoo, please make sure you include my keywords "Poly Style Together - A couple" in the subject line & tell me your thoughts on what you just read.

Thanks for reading & I wish you much joy in your lives!




You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

— Dale Carnegie

If you find any errors, bugs, typos etc., please contact me giving me the URL of the page plus copying the paragraph where the error is.

Thank you so much for letting me know.

Last updated 02-Aug-08