A Page That Provides Links On Issues Such As…

  • Jealousy
  • What prescreening couples should do before deciding to go poly
  • How society looks at relationship vs how spiritual polys look at relationships
  • An overview of how Morning Glory sees poly relationships. She is the person who coined the word “polyamorous back” in the late 80's.


I hope you get something out of these links....

I finally got Deborah Anapol's book & now I'm reading all about jealousy & the different types of jealousies that I didn't even know existed before.

I recommend reading this book if you are thinking about a polyamorous relationship, are already in one, are having problems in one & want to get some answers or you just wish to really know what a poly relationship is all about. She helps answer all the common questions & some that you wouldn't have even thought of before. Let me know what you think by e-mailing me once you read it. 

Even though this person doesn't have a site, his views on jealousy were so profound, I have to list his post here. Roger gave me permission to use his post.

With all of the discussion about jealousy lately, I wanted to share something that came up in my relationship recently. Really, it's just a matter of verbage, and term definitions, but it can be a big deal.

I think  lot of people use the word "jealousy" for a broader meaning than it actualy has.  I would like to submit that there is a distinct difference between "jealousy" and "envy". The word "jealousy" implies some degree of ownership.  You feel angry or upset that someone else is getting to spend time with someone who belongs to you. On the other hand, "envy" is more feeling that you want something that you don't own; that you don't have an intrinsic right to. They may "feel" a lot the same, but there's some really basic assumptions tied up with both terms that can affect how those feelings play out in your relationships.  If you agree with these definitions, "envy" is perfectly okay, while "jealousy" is not.  Poly relationships are not about "owning" anyone, they're about sharing.  I know it may seem like a small point, but it can actualy make a big difference in how you let your feelings affect your relationships.  It's really about mind-set.

You might want to take some time to consider whether the feelings you're having are truly "jealousy" or are they "envy", and whatever your answer is, what does that indicate about how you view your relationship(s)?  Once you define what it is you're *actually* feeling, you'll be better able to deal with those feelings in a constructive manner.

I think that much of what some of you have been calling "jealously" lately is actually "envy".  Not only can that fine distinction make a difference in your own mind-set about your relationships, but when you talk about it with your significant others, the wrong term can make some people naturally defensive.  As a secondary, when you're talking to a primary couple you're involved with, one or both of them may have the defensive reaction of: "what right do *you* have to feel jealous of *me*?  I was here first!" (that's not to say that a Primary has a right to feel ownership any more than a Secondary, *no one* has a right to "own" anyone else in a relationship).  It's about using the language constructively to better express yourself, rather than being a victim to it.

So what are your thoughts about this?  Agree/disagree?  Does this help anyone?

Take care,
Roger


Luv Michelle

Quote

The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. If you do that, you're in control of you life. If you don't, life controls you.

— Anthony Robbins

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Thank you so much for letting me know.

Last updated 26-Feb-07